A little over a week ago i started a bad binge of alcohol, self torture and more. Many of the readers of my blog have been reading about my relationship with Derek and many of you have seen the 2 of us in person. As everyone says ‘all good things must end’. It ended. I let my fear overcome me and when he didn’t reassure me, i told him to get his things out of my house. The day he came to get the things, i put them all on the porch so that i wouldn’t have to see him because i knew how i would react and i needed some cooling down time. He ended up coming up the back side of the house and i went down and i snapped. In my eyes, he was acting too calm and cool like he didn’t care.. other people have done this to me in the past and when i love someone and think that they care more about a material object then they do about my feelings, i lose myself. I ended up smashing one of his keyboards and destroying a few of his plants, and worst of all, i pushed him. He left. And i regret doing all of those things.
During the next few days, Derek and i met and talked, i told him i didn’t want to be with him anymore because he cannot give me what i need, i ended up in the hospital because he thought i was going to hurt myself so he called the police on me. They dragged me out of my house and tied me up all because i took medication that is legally prescribed to me by my doctors for when I’m having a panic attack, now i am stuck with 5k worth of medical/ambulance bills, blah blah. To go on, i got out of the hospital after i convinced them that i loved myself way too much to kill myself and was only trying to calm myself down and that they had no right judging me for having a mental breakdown over losing the one guy i have loved the most in my life. It hurt. It still hurts. Love always hurts but every time someone hurts me, i get by. I have been cheated on, lied to, punched, cigarettes put out on me, etc but i can honestly say that no one has ever hurt me this bad.
All of my friends were great and here for me and i appreciate everything that everyone has done to help me out, but i am gonna do what i need to, for myself. Justin flew out and we went to Vermont with Scott, Melody, Gerry, Brian & Beth. I had an amazing, drunken crazy time and for a while, i forgot about all the pain I was feeling. I got stung by a hive of wasps and im not even going to get into what that did to me, but i survived. The best day i had was on Saturday when i spent most of the day by myself while everyone else went shopping in Burlington. I decided to take the jeep and Jack Daniels into the woods and gather wood for the fire pit. I went hunting in my underwear, lit fire, danced, screamed FUCK (as suggested by my friend Jon at WickedFire) and it was amazing. The photos are kind of crazy, but i am kind of a crazy person so if you don’t like them, fuck you.
I got home and saw Legend and Ami. It was great. But the second i saw my bedroom and all of Dereks things missing, i put myself right back into this hole of not having any motivation. To make matters even worse, something happened before i left that involved the one person who should care about me before anyone else in my life and i expected this person to be there for me. They were not. How can you love someone and only think of yourself? HOW?
Yesterday, Derek and i talked for a little over an hour on the phone when he woke me up at 8 am. It started to go bad, we were disagreeing on everything and pissing each-other off and we were both trying to ‘let the other one go and cut ties’ and we were both pretending we were going to say goodbye and that would be it, yet neither of us could hang up the phone. Then he asked me to help him move his bed from his old apartment, to his new one.. Hurt like hell to have to do it but i figured i owe him it since i smashed one of his keyboards. I took my Jeep over and helped him. We didn’t talk much, we hugged 2 times and it felt amazing. The minimal conversation that we had about ‘us’ left me feeling ugly, unattractive worthless so i hugged him goodbye and grabbed the hat from his head because i don’t have anything that smells like him after having to wash my bedsheets from being in up in the woods.
Then i slept all day, went to bed really early. Woke up at 4 am to take Justin to the airport then came back home and slept until noon of today. Ive been trying to get my mind back to work but i cant. I keep feeling sad, then angry. I feel like i am on a roller-coaster ride and i am afraid that i am being deliberately fucked with. I offered to do ‘whatever’ it will take to make the relationship work. I told him that i would accept him living on his own for awhile until he knew for sure that i was who he wanted. But now i keep hearing over and over in my head “i am afraid to be with you because i don’t want to hurt you again, i am afraid that i will get back with you and someday i will find someone better looking or more attractive and leave you and break your heart and i don’t want to do that to you”… honesty. yes. appreciated honesty. but sick. Do i deserve that? I look at other hot guys all of the time when i am in relationships, but then i look at the person i love who in my eyes is beautiful for many reasons and NO other person could take that away. Its a shame. To be told “i love you” and then told “i never really loved you”. Its happened to me too many times and I love him. I do. even after all of the nasty things he said and the painful ways that he made me feel but i love myself more and i dont think i deserve anyone who would say, feel or think things like that.
Then again…. thats how i feel right now. Im a pussy and want to be with the person i love. But there is no way in hell i am doing it without major compromise. You cant take and give nothing in return. I need an apology, and not with words. I have all the time in the world to wait, and i know i am a good person and good things will come my way, they always do. I put out so much into the world and i deserve the world in return but like i always say.. id rather die a happy man and have a partner and be in love, than to be a rich man and alone. Where is my prince charming? … actually, what happened to my prince charming, the person i fell in love with does not exist anymore.
FUCK. :) enjoy the pix. back to work. I may be sad. But i know my worth, i KNOW it, and i love myself so PLEASE stop worrying about me. For those of you who were here for me, you know it will never be forgotten.. and the YOU who said you were first attracted to me because of my confidence, well, it never left and never will. I will get everything in life that i ask for, i will fall in love, i will get married, i will be rich and a rockstar and someday if i have the time, maybe even be President Of The United States. How’s that for your confidence. You know i love you.. you need to realize how much you love me or how much you dont, either way.. my feelings for you will never change
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