Life & Losses

I had to say goodbye to another piece of my heart on Thursday.  Freshy passed in her sleep on Ami’s bed.   I have had her since June of 1999 and I will miss her very much. In her tribute, i posted a photo and video of her below on this entry.  I buried her at the Temple To Music on Friday morning in a secret spot under a tree. I will always love you ya little bitch!

I spent this amazing weekend with the people that I love. On Saturday, i went to an ‘early’ Thanks Giving dinner at Jay’s house.  It was nice to be surrounded by such a warm family. Patrick and i spent sat night and Sunday together and had a fun time involving a fire extinguisher and talking a lot.  It is nice to be around somebody who understand, listens, hears, respects and makes me feel safe.  Its been a long time since I have felt that way with a guy… and by long time, i mean ALL of those things together, not spread out and given only when the other person feels up to giving me those things.

Anyway, i heard a quote yesterday that i could reflect on. It made me think of how foolish i have been these past few weeks.  The quote was “when the fox hears the rabbit scream, he comes running.. but not to help.”  All i can do is listen to Firefly and smile and actually feel the song. A few people, 1 in particular made me feel so accomplished about the song because it effected her and made her cry. And that made me smile.  When i hear it, i get sick to my stomach. I don’t know why, if it is good or bad.  Every time i get hurt, i lose pieces of love and that makes the effect of hurt become completely numb to be. I am numb to it.

I am working on a collection.  Of video, memories, items, text messages, quotes and more. I’m going to digitize it and encrypt it for myself on my computer so that when snooping people decide to look around in places that i tell them not to, they cannot see any of it.  I am making it so that every time i feel weak and feel that i am going to fall for the trap again, i can look back on it and laugh at the fact that I am and always will be a better person.  I could never hurt anybody and lie to them like i have been lied to and its just so foolish.  Like i always say, Karma, its everywhere you go, what goes around, comes around. This does not change the feelings that I have or the love, it just changes ME, and that is all that matters right now.

This Thursday is coming up and i am going to spend it at Steve and Jeff’s house.  I am excited.  I thought it was going to be a completely different day that what i was ‘hoping’ for, but that never happened.  I realized how much I care about them, and how warm it is in their house and being surrounded by people with so much love and care and i couldn’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else. I am going to make an apple pecan cheesecake, potato salad and baked spinach parmesan balls.  The whole vegetarian thing puts a weird spin on turkey day and this is my first time as a vegetarian, will be fun. 

Well I need to go.  I am starting a new affiliate marketing campaign today, its going to take me 3 day probably to get set up properly and i might fail, or i might win.  We will see.  Every time i fail, i just learn more. There are a few events in town that i am going to this week and very excited about.  Art, wine, music, people.  What more could you ask for.

I am going to visit Freshy again this week with Ami since she couldn’t be there, the ground is going to freeze soon and the thought of it makes me sad because she is inside it.  Snow.. miserable.  All I know is that i will not be shivering.  Not again, ever. Love you Freshy.