Would I!? Wow!

What a busy past week I have had. It was beautiful and sad but it was one that I will not forget.  The holiday was nice at Steve & Jeff’s. Lots of good food, conversation and alcohol. All was kept under control.  Unfortunately i did not take any photos because the memory card for my cam somehow disappeared but I am sure that I will find it somewhere, but other people took them and I will post some as soon as I can.

I was sad mostly because I have been thinking about Freshy a lot.  I have been having the strangest dreams and most of them were about her.  Yesterday I visited where i buried her at, the most beautiful place and it was raining.  But I was cleaning all day and i stumbled across a toy that she has had for most of her life.  Ami and I were not able to find it for almost a year, but what do you know?  There it was, beside my clothes dryer. Last night I had a dream about from when she was a kitten and she had gotten out when Justin and I had our first apartment together.  I remembered being so scared that she was lost, but we had climbed up the mountain behind our house and found her, hissing at us on some rock.  I grabbed her and was able to bring her back into the house.  She hadn’t tried to run away since then. Before my dream ended, it turned to a horror and all I can remember is that i was stuck inside CVS trying to find a nasal decongestant, but nobody would help me.   Finally, I woke up SO completely congested because our apartment is so damn hot.  The heat will not shut off for some reason.  I am happy that we do not have to pay for it.

One of the weekend nights a bunch of people came over and we listened to some awesome music and danced and talked. It was a real good weekend.  I had to back out on the friend that was going to come and visit this week because I have so much work to do before the end of the month AND I need to finish working on the 2 new songs that I have written. I got to spend most of last week with Patrick and it was a real good time. I feel like a dick for underestimating him when i first met him, but everything happens for a reason and no matter where things go with he and I, he is amazing and i am lucky to have him in my life. I still do not have a title for the song i wrote at the beach last week, but the music I composed to it is coming along.  It first started with just the notes, and then just chords, now it is sounding really good. Ive also written 2 more since that day.  I have been so inspired.

The month is almost over and the days are counting down to the concerts.  I am really excited at the thought of being able to talk to Amy Lee AND take photos. I need to find somebody with a really expensive digital camera that is willing to let me borrow it for an evening and teach me how to use is in the dark (concerts are dark) and I guess if you do not have the exposure set right, the photos will come out horribly.

The other night i found a folder one my computer with a file in it from when i tried to write a book a few years back.  The book was an autobiography or sorts, but more opinion based. My thoughts on the world, men, homosexuality and love.  It is strange to see how much my opinion has changed since.  In some ways, it has gotten harsher, especially about gay men.  What I had written previously was talking about gay men and how you cannot trust most of them. I still feel that way, but only because i have witnessed how they work.  Many of them are ready to jump into a good persons world and then screw them over.  Then they convince you to take them back and lie right to your face and make false promises.. and what does the gay man on the other side do?  They believe them and end up getting hurt again. Another part was about men versus children.  Age does not constitute my opinion of somebody being a man or a child. Its more about experience, honesty, ability or lack there-of.  I have a problem with falling for people who are still children but they trick you into thinking they are men.   Just like they trick themselves and everybody around them to believe the same. It takes getting fucked over (as a partner or a friend) to see the true colors but every time you get screwed you can accept it and move on, or screw back.  As much as one wants to, if you are a real man, you do not screw back. You take the bullet and continue on.  Lastly, when i wrote this manuscript I believed that I had been made numb by my society and men.. mostly from the men.  And that your heart can get damaged to the point of no repair, but I have gotten past that.  I know for a fact that any strong person can hang on, forgive, evolve and accept.  You need to love yourself to find true love.  I happen to love myself very much and I know what I am capable of and what I need to do to achieve the happiness that I want and deserve.

ONE OF MY PROJECTS IS TO REWRITE THE BOOK… AND I WONT STOP UNTIL IT IS FINISHED WETHER OR NOT IT IS EVER READ BY ANYBODY BUT MYSELF OR NOT

Lastly, my shoulder is extremely messed up. I went to the doc last Friday and it seems that the violence that occurred almost a month ago caused more damage than i thought.  I figured that it was just a muscle spasm, but there is a spot on my shoulder where my epidermis was ripped off from when i was thrown against my wall and the trauma went further and happened because of that. Now I need to go to physical therapy and have no insurance.  Watching the video back of the attack just makes it all seem so… fucking stupid, of me.  Had I taken it any further and done more than defended myself, it would have been turned around in some awful way. Thank god for web cams and 500 gig external hard drives.  On a lighter note, this weekend, i showed my friend some of the silly times we have had that were recorded with the webcam of mine, such as one of me pretending to be Buffalo Bill in the scene from Silence Of The Lambs where he says ‘I Fuck Me’.  I’m glad that I am a silly drunk and not a violent one. Anyway,  for me to go practice my piano.  I worked on 2 new campaigns today and the other one from last week.  Xmas is coming up, so I also need to start a new affiliate marketing campaign to prepare for that. Also, I am spending another night outdoors this week, probably with the roller pigeons.. I am a shallow roller, lets hope that one of my parents is not. Wish me luck!